it's not that i'm sad or depressed or blah or uninspired or whatever, i just go through waves where i don't feel like writing. i've been doing a lot of moving. walking. being. turning. moving myself away from all the things that have become normal or the things that i fear will become normal.
oh and i have a shit ton of homework to finish before winter quarter 2011 finishes me.
why do i work so damn hard to not fall into a pattern of anything when the truth is that i function best when i have a pattern to follow? i love patterns. i love math, which is no more than a series of patterns. i love making coffee, and that's nothing more than a series of action-patterns (with a keen sense of knowledge, i might add).
i hate monotony.
there we go.
i like everything too much to get stuck in monotony. it's a pretty big fear... and somehow it's all very comforting, and i keep turning this idea over and over in my head and try and make sense of it all... like if i read it enough times or delete it and re-type it it'll somehow make more sense to me or it will read as something more plausible than what it actually says.
because i mean exactly what i'm saying:
i'm terrified of getting stuck in a routine but i find routines so comforting.
i hate them, but i need something solid to depend on because my life is batshit crazy by nature.
no. ok hold on i take that back. my life's pretty average, i just happen to run into lots of crazy shit that i'm positive other people don't run into regularly.
that's why the better part of me craves a routine: i'm so used to things being so not normal.
everyone's batshit crazy.
i'm tired, a little pissy, and i have a mountain of homework before spring break.
i'm half counting down the minutes till happy hour at my favorite dive.
half not.
on a lighter note, it seems like the only routine i've managed to keep up lately is wearing this same navy sweatshirt for the last three weeks or so.
-love-
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