the board game.

let's play a game called "pull yourself together and pretend everything's fucking fantastic even though you're having the shit chewed out of you every other night." we'll make the rules simple, dress yourself up in every goddamn outfit that makes you look fucking fantastic everyday, and ten extra points if you throw on a pair of heels and get your make up perfect. you win if you've pulled a fast one on everyone and nail this.

let's play a game called "one cup half empty" where you pretend it's half full the whole damn time. let's make up rules and number them one through six and have them go as followed:

fake

it

till

you

make

it.

let's wrap it up in a lovely package and sell it as something beautiful, and let everyone know that the beautiful thing about mastering this game is that even in your worst, you can manage to pull yourself together when everyone else needs you more. let's say this game lasts about a month or so. let's say you can't play with friends, they couldn't catch on. when they say "too much" and "attention" right after one another, you pass. you could try and explain the rules, but if they want to be best friends AND shoot you down when you explain what's going on, is it worth it?

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let's cut the bullshit and get to the point:

conflicts that drag on for over a few months blow.

stress and conflict that manage to maintain themselves for nine months and more are exhausting and heavy on the heart.

sometimes i can't handle it all on my own.

sometimes i just need to be around people/places/things that aren't weighed down to heavily by all of this, and i'm starting to think that's too much to depend on.

so i'll just do everything by my goddamn self.

today i realized if i can foresee and ending point, this doesn't all feel so weighty and morose, and perhaps if i pretends it's a game i have to feign my optimism though, then maybe i can make it out okay.

so everything's fucking fantastic.

and if it's not, it has to be... it just does.