the one that's about nobody in particular. maybe just me and jesus.

i have absolutely nothing to say.

it's eleven thirty, i'm awake, the television is on and i hate it more now than i usually do. i don't like the ringing that sounds quietly whenever the television is on, but it's going to be too damn lonely when i turn it off. it's a dilemma that is so awful and meaningless but it actually matters, you know? it's been a long day. i feel like screaming or crying or
fuck
anything really.
and the words are just running off my fingers like i'm going to get anywhere further than where i am once i'm done typing for the night. this sure as shit isn't getting me any closer to jesus. but, christ, god is love and love is real and the computer isn't getting me closer to anything lovely. i have nothing to say. nothing more than, "no, really, i don't like my photo being taken" or "yes, that's true, it makes the pain easier". i don't want the pain to be easier, i just want it to go somewhere further than the filth it's stewing in the pit of my stomach.
this is nothing personal and is nothing worth reading in to.
but it's still something right? because it's an itch i won't walk away from and they're just some words i can't get rid of and i won't shut down until i write and re-write and read re-readingly until they say something close to what i'm thinking. and sure, why not, i need a new job but apparently having an old man ask me every week if i'm a masochist isn't enough to get someone to help me the hell out of here fast. and i can't afford to quit, but he sure as hell can afford his starbucks every day. slick son of a gun, like i'm really serving more than coffee. it's men like him that make me want to vomit without trying.
i hate doing things alone.
or maybe i just hate telling the same story over again.
or maybe people just don't like hearing the truth- like if they ignore it or pretend it doesn't touch them... then it's not really real? i don't know, i really really don't.
i don't know what to do.
i don't know where to start.
i've got nothing to say, really. i might start with turning the television off.