i loved yakima, how stupid is that? i'm not sure if it was just all the places we went to, or the company that made it worthwhile, but i can't help but feel so....
much like i'm taking out the trash when i think of it.
i feel like i imagined the whole thing.
and all the people.
all gone.
i have never wanted to leave my life so badly,
to just pick up and leave and startsomethingnew.
something else.
something not this life i lead.
i feel like i'm living in 1984--- the book, did you ever have to read that in high school? with big brother always watching? i haven't been home the last three weeks. i've stopped in for food, and the occasional sleep if at all. nothing seems worth sleeping through anymore, since the last year feels like something i wasted. trying to find something worthwhile i guess. worried about all the wrong things.
i feel like i'm living in 1984, because i do everything for something else, and when i slip just out of line, i'm called out.
and it's a load of bullshit.
i looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in what feels like weeks
--my sister has this big, tall mirror in her old room, good for seeing all of yourself as opposed to the mirror i have in my room that only shows the top quarter of myself (it would show the top half of me if only i didn't have stacks and stacks of books and cds piled on my dresser)--
i cut my hair out of my face a little
and i've dropped a significant amount of weight in the last few weeks
i've lost my appetite,
but for books... never.
nietzche, descartes, and siddhartha have all become the most important authors of this mess.
what the hell am i doing with my life.
never going back to yakima, that's for sure...
because there's something deeply disturbing about falling in love with places:
they never love you back.
maybe i've had it all wrong this whole time.
what can love back?
what if you're never sure you loved in the first place?
i love everything
and nothing
all at once i guess.
it's a hard feeling to explain.
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