pictures, or it's not legit.

i hit a slump:
that's hard for me to admit.
i hit a slump, and most of what i dragged out of it is that i missed out on talking about things like great philosophers and great theologians. i hit a slump and wallowed, and now i've emerged.
pictures, or it's not legit.
i didn't know how to drag myself out of it, really, and i guess i never have a formula (because life is not a math problem, no matter how hard i used to try and make it... at least i have that one figured out). my life is settling, and i hate that feeling. do i always need a battle to fight? not necessarily. do i need things to always be hard? not in the least: a year and a half ago when things were getting really shitty, i avoided the toll it was taking on me altogether so i wouldn't have to be "that girl" who always has excuses and problems, and it didn't even matter that what i was going through was more than a handful of decent excuses. i don't like things to be hard if they don't have to.
no.
not hard.
but i love a good challenge.

where have all the challenges gone?
and then i hit this goddamned slump. the reasons are less than desirable to discuss over blogging, and quite frankly aren't that important anymore. what is important is that i found along the way all these... things that i enjoy. challenges: not unlike particularly difficult books or a painting i just can't seem to be satisfied with as a finished product.
i pulled out all my big guns:
sketchbooks i used to carry around (some for figure drawing, others for not)
books... the really good ones that are hard and good and all for the sake of reading
paints: god. i miss painting.
and that goddamned grant i've been debating on whether or not to take. the one that would allow me to move out and away.

if ever i needed a time to start everything over, it would be now: now that i have the motivation and the understanding of what i'm doing with my life.

and pictures, too, or it's not legit.
i'm wearing every goddamned band tee i own, one right after the other... because at the heart of it all i'm a hopeless romantic and i have this notion that at the end of getting through them all i'll have figured something out (recently, i thought people weren't taking me seriously because i slum around in band tees, but i realized over the last month that it's just because a lot of people are assholes).
so.
with each shirt comes a lesson:punctuality. this was yesterday's band: the builders and the butchers. really. fucking. good. band.
but a day late. so, what is to be taken from yesterday is this: one of my biggest vices, lack of punctuality, must go. and with it, i will be able to cultivate more important things, like finishing paintings on time and being able to set aside that elusive time to spend on the guitar. and loving worthwhile things.
today's will be up later.
for my own sake.

love.