i'll write about a love i never had.

in the morning i'll give you a call

when i decide whether or not we can still talk

(or be in love)

or any of the other half-winded movements

we made up to get by, and then...

and then maybe we can talk about how i loved

(and you loved)

and how we almost always fell in love with

how

we both wanted the whole stretch of the universe

(for ourselves but not for us, my love).

and then we can sift through the silence and the static when

we can both touch (and go) on how

it never came to us because we dreamt

with our eyes open

and breathed in a stagnant air

we only caught in between dreaming and living.

and i hate you for everything you made me give up

to be anything but myself

and i love every goddamned false image

i built up around you

so i wouldn't have to think about what we aren't.

and i'll write about a broken heart i never had,

but maybe then i can figure out why you stop and start

the way you always did

and never will around me again.

and why'd we stretch so far?

i could never not love the way

you move in the morning

and i could never love the way you won't.

love me love me

one more for good measure

"fuck this is awesome"

out finding life.

i need to develop my film and my heart.

finally found me

I can't believe this came out of the 90's.

This is absolutely everything I'm listening to right now.

It makes me wonder what other music I could fall in love with

that I might never find?

night terrors

the last few nights i've been having this same dream play over and over again:

i'm at my high school prom with this guy i was crazy about when i was 14...15....16..... and every night it takes place in a castle or a large, large house... think harry potter or beauty and the beast but no fun. every night i run up and down the hallways looking for someone, dragging my prom date around trying to convince him that something really really bad is going to happen, but never able to tell him what because i don't know. one night i walked into a room with no floor or ceiling or walls or anything, just pitch black... nothingness. another night i walked outside to a flogging molly concert underwater, and i couldn't breathe and there was no way to get out of the water so i was drowning. one time everything just froze and i couldn't move or breathe or talk.

the same "outline" of events always happen: going to prom with so-and-so, getting lost in a large house franticly looking to stop something "bad" that i can't predict, walking into an area where i lose all of my senses... but after what seems like forever i always manage to get out of the third "leg" of my dream when i discover what the awful thing is that is about to happen: everyone is being murdered.

at this point i rush backwards through all the events of my dream that had happened that night. if before you die your entire life flashes before you, this is similar but backwards... does that make sense? things stop racing backwards when i get back toward the beginning of my dream when i just arrive a "prom". it's horribly morbid: i walk into the room where prom is taking place to find people across the ground, and i'm never sure if they're all actually dead or just passed out, but the other guests keep dancing and having a good time like nothing's gone wrong. sometimes the people on the floor are missing limbs or their innards, sometimes they're not. sometimes i'm certain a handful are dead, other times i'm watching from a distance and can't really be certain (my eyesight it poor both in real life and in my dream world). i'm never after who or what has caused this to happen; the dream always ends with my looking over all the people wondering what the hell is going on.

at this point i wake myself up either crying or trying to yell or whimpering.

these dreams are terrifying, not only because of all the obviously morbid events, but because they're different from what my "normal" dreams consist of. usually at night i dream i'm running away from someone or something, and sometimes it's a fantastic adventures, sometimes it's flat out boring, sometimes it's a nightmare, sometimes it's just trying to avoid running into an ex on the street. the thing is... i always know what i'm running from and that i'm running from something... hardly ever am i entirely unaware of what IT is, much less am i ever running toward something.

dreams are odd.

last night prom was in russia on top of some sort of eiffel tower structure.

it was a nice change of scenery at least.