all at once

i kept

all the sweet things in a file. girls do that i think. all the sweet nothings that might have meant something if i had any patience. i'm slipping. not down, just out. i'm slipping too fast and too far from anything recognizable, and it's the same damn problem i keep running into, but they're not really problems, they're just things that don't have solutions yet. the thing is, i keep slipping too far away and it's like i can't recognize the things i have and what they are anymore because

because

the measuring rod by which i kept track of what lovely and love were

have changed

or shifted

or been taken down.

after things got bad at home, i haven't been able to figure out anything anymore.

patience

is the one thing i will never be able to keep much of, and with that i am certain i will never be able to keep anyone close. i keep everyone at bay. that's the worst of it all; i keep everyone at bay and with that it seems to be my most gracious company. i can count in my head the handful who have stuck through, one of whom is living with me, another few scattered around the state.

i think

i think i fear anyone getting too close again

because

i still can't get over how much i lost myself the last time and i don't want that to happen

(again

again

again)...

...

"you need too much attention" he said. they could kill if they were anything but words.

"that's too easy" i thought, and i thought more about how i need someone who can put up a better fight. attention is easy to give and easy for me to live without (the sullen bay being my most giving of company). calling it attention would be too easy, and maybe i just gave up with it being a simple name for something so much bigger.

the webs we weave ourselves can either bind us else...

"it's not attention i need" i thought. i didn't have the energy to argue so i let it go. sometimes that's all the beauty we can find: the letting go. the truth was that i didn't know what any of it looked like anymore. i didn't know how to say "everything you've told me i've heard before and had my heart broken worse", and i didn't know how to tell him "everything you've done for me i've had done before" because the truth cuts deeper than anyone wants to talk about. he could have told me every day for a hundred years i was something, but i'm lots of things to lots of different people, maybe seven hundred years worth of different things to different people. i didn't need attention, i needed to know why this was any different from anything else. i'd been told too many times before that someone's wanted to keep me forever, so much so that forever means nothing.

everything's been stripped of meaning.

i needed definition.

that's something i lost a long time ago, and have been stumbling in and out of relationships (boyfriends, family, friendships and otherwise) trying to figure out. "it's great that i'm special, but why am i special to you." i was awful. maybe i still am. i don't need attention. i don't need structure. maybe i just need someone who knows what the hell they're doing.

i guess i just need someone willing to fight me for me.

i don't want any of that world back

but i don't know where i stand anymore.

tell your fiance i'm sure she's lovely

but please don't bother telling her about me.

i push everyone away when they get too close

because

the closest relationships i have these days seem to be

all sorts of backwards and i can't keep up.

i just realized this and damn near had a heart attack.

i have no idea what the fuck i'm doing.

we were never here

i'm starting to feel like there must be something inherently wrong with the way i see things.

not everything.

just some things and other things.

i feel like i keep coming back to the same starting point while still spiraling upwards. like my life is taking me back to the same points even though i've already passed them, that i'm being brought back to the same events to have some sort of "do-over" with better knowledge. i bet some people hope and dream of having these opportunities presented to them, maybe a lot of people do, i don't know. do you sit back and think "i wish i could do that situation over again, i would do things differently this time around" or "if i knew back then what i know now, it would all be different"? i feel like a fair amount of time i give myself do-overs (and why not? i make my own reality), but other times i am certain life is playing some awful trick on me and i'm forced to take one step forward and two back, all the while working with the knowledge i have gained in the meantime.

but do you ever wonder "if i knew back then what i know now..." and think that maybe things would end up the exact same anyhow? that no matter how much knowledge or wisdom you gain between any amount of space or time, that if you're put in the same situation again, it will just always end the same? even if you change every bit of the situation on your end, if the input of the opposing factor remains the same, the end results can't change.

i've been thinking about this a lot.

...and will it happen again?

texts from last night

"i feel like i have no reason to be. having already been for 23 years is less and less a convincing enough argument to make it to 24."

go ahead. ask me how my day's been.

i've had this text from last night

from one of my best friends

on my mind all morning.

and he called to spend quality time,

..."seek not hours to kill but hours to live..."

but what falls through keeps falling.

so i work.

a lot.

so i don't have to think about this.

coffee talk

i haven't talked about coffee in a while.

unfortunately, a lot of this has to do with not working with coffee anymore (in fact, i don't think i've talked much coffee since i jumped ships with blogs).

here enters the verisimo 801:

officially? not a bad machine... if it were 2005 and its plastic parts didn't clip off so easily in the middle of a downtown seattle rush. also not bad if it's double wands were covered or could move about more freely. maybe if the hoppers were larger that would be better, or if it wasn't an automatic machine altogether. honestly? i hate this machine. starbucks started replacing their semi-automatic machines with these bad boys a few years back and i have to say, "training" on these machines is a lot faster, but there's no real coffee experience when you get to the bottom of it. baristas trained on these machines lose the knowledge of what effort goes into making coffee, and on top of that the flavor extraction is bitter.

every time.

so boys and girls are "learning" about coffee but the real art was lost as soon as these machines moved in. while starbucks have moved on to bigger and (admittedly) better automatic machines i can't help but ask, was the loss of real, honest coffee experiences worth the automatic upgrade? i can't say it was worth it.

bikini kill etc

my mind's wandering... no words yet today.

(untitled)

i know everyone and their mother listens to this song, but god she's lovely:

the book of three

"leave all your love and your longing behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive"

foursquare

"i couldn't tell if i was a masochist or an optimist"

i am here again.

if i was just more of everything...

shit.