i go to when
things get terrible.
she was patient.
the only way to describe it physically is in the old studio i used to dance in when i was an apprentice for the company. it wasn't a place i think of, or a person or a word that reminds me of it
so much as
it is a feeling i get when i'm dancing:
i can feel how i feel when i move.
i can feel the way i feel the split second before i tell my muscles to move the very particular way they know how to do so well.
and if i ever hear anything, it's always tchiakovsky's nutcracker score.
it's not so much the repetitive nature of it all, nor is it the fight to create that absolutely perfect illusion on stage, it's more the satisfaction of knowing i can go into autopilot and sink into myself. for me, ballet is my meditation. i can move without thinking and sink inside my thoughts while still pushing and pulling myself from the ends of my toes to the tips of my fingers... i can work so hard and feel
nothing at all
and
everything all at once.
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